Good morning, everyone!
So, I realized that I had written up a 19 week update, and never posted it. Terribly sorry about that! The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of activity. I can hardly believe that this upcoming Sunday is the start of my third trimester!
As such, so many things are happening. I have something going on every weekend in January, except the last, but that last week has me with appointments and dog care and, oof. Just a lot.
My last specialist appointment (yes, I am seeing a specialist, but it is a different one than before, much MUCH nicer), he said that he doesn’t think I’ll have to do any insulin.
However, at the appointment at the beginning of December, I did get some news. It looks like my beautiful baby boy has bilateral club foot. This may be why I didn’t update, as the news hit me sideways and was difficult for me to handle. So much is going to be different, and yet nothing will be. From everything I’ve researched, it will be completely treated and healed by age 5, and in that time frame, he won’t miss any of his milestones, even through casting for 4-6 weeks and full time bar and boots wearing for three months minimum.
It’s the small things that worry me, though. But my sister in law has been amazingly helpful – she has found so many resources for me. There’s a website that has so many tips and tricks and how to take care of what should be normal.
Then, the ex. I finally cut off communication with the ex a couple months ago, when his commentary became nothing but gaslighting and guilting. He was trying to manipulate me, suddenly making my pain into his, and making me the villain. He even spread blatant lies about myself and my mother! So I just ended it and blocked him. He then announced on Facebook that he was going to commit suicide. It took a lot not to open back up to him, but looking at my blood sugars during that time proves I did the right thing. It took a lot to stop feeling guilty, but he had friends get to him and he is fine. He reached out again last week and wanted to open up communication again, saying he finally understands why I broke up with him, and that he had really been looking forward to being a dad. I appreciated the sentiment, but there was just a bit too much guilt, and having seen what he’d been pulling on my other friends left me knowing that opening up communication is not the right move. So I told him to come to the game we play, and I would just avoid him, and that I would not be unblocking him.
He then asked if he could email me. I said no, that I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for it.
The panic I felt when he asked that, knowing how difficult it is for me to say no…I knew I made the right decision. I have been relieved since then, for the most part.
I know we’ll still travel in the same circles, I know we’ll see each other, but I honestly am happier since leaving him. And this baby, hard as I worked for him, is so much of a blessing that I cannot be sad.
On to the family! It’s no secret that my dad’s family are comprised of not my most favorite people. I have always felt judged when I see them, so I knew, going into family Christmas pregnant and single would garner a few comments. I had announced on Facebook, and my dad, aunt, and cousin knew, so I assumed the news would have spread.
It didn’t. They had told no one. Here I am, 6 months pregnant, and having to go through the choice I made and journey I’m taking on my own, watching the judgment slide across their faces. It was a strange sort of humiliation and anger. Then the question, “is that a family name?” Oh, come on. You have been part of this family longer than me, you know my Celtic name for my baby is not a family name. That was just another way to include your disapproval. My brother’s words finally hit me where they needed to, and I am not going back to my dad’s family Christmas. I don’t need their negativity, and I certainly don’t need them hurting my son the way they hurt my brother and I growing up.
Which takes me to my next point. My dad’s cousin, who I see maybe once per year, at the aforementioned Christmas, has decided she wants to hold me a baby shower. I was baffled for a few moments, and wanted to say no because of the shower my mom, friend, and sister in law are holding for me. But then…what if they come to this one, and then NOT my lovely shower? Get the stress done with so I can truly enjoy myself. I’ll still invite them; I need to be kind and proper.
So, this next Sunday is my first of three (maybe four) baby showers. This one is going to be hard, and I can feel how my mood is already changed as I get ready for it. I’m crankier, shorter with my responses. I just need to get through and relax. I can do this, and I’ve got two more amazingly fun showers to look forward to – one, my chosen family, two, my wonderful LARP friends, and possibly a third at work.
Wish me luck.
Changes in Trajectory 