Biggest Blessings

Just over three weeks ago, I was finally scheduled for an induction.

Giving birth during COVID-19 is absolutely terrifying. You have no idea from one day to the next what the hospital policies are going to be. Before being admitted, would I need to be tested? Will I get to hold my baby? Can I have my people with me?

I wanted a specific kind of birth story, and I got it, if not in a roundabout way. I wanted to have a natural birth, as little medication as possible. I wanted a “Red Tent” kind of birth, surrounded by women in a calm, soothing space (hahaha).

Birth goes in a million different directions on the best of days – every birth story I’ve read or heard has gone off the rails in some form or another. So, I figured I was ready.

Sunday night, March 22nd, I went in for my induction. They got me settled in – I had brought my own gown (which looked like a cute little gray dress), simply because I hate having things up close to my neck. I was happy to be there, optimistic – after waiting and worrying he’d grow too big for a vaginal birth, I was finally here and he seemed to be ready for a natural birth, even if I did have to go with cytotec and pitocin.

Once I was changed and in the bed, the nurse checked me…and checked me. It took a lot longer than I thought, and after she gave me a smile, and a moment out of the room, she announced I was 4 cm dilated and 60% effaced. I was having mild, sporadic contractions – what I had grown used to. So she said we’d wait and kind of see.

Two hours later, no change in how I felt, the nurse came in to check me again and called for another nurse to come check me as well. I was deemed the “Silent Dilator” – I was 6 cm dilated and 70% effaced! I was in active labor now – though I couldn’t really tell the difference. Up until then, the contractions had been barely there and completely manageable.

They told me to try and get some sleep and if I couldn’t, to let them know and I’d move around some. I was getting ready to call the nurse when the contractions finally subsided and I managed to sleep for about four and a half hours.

They checked me in the morning, 7 cm and 70% effaced, and pitocin entered the conversation again. My doctor went ahead and broke my water about 9 am, and the nurse said,”Okay, we’ll let that kind of settle and then we’ll get the pitocin going.”

My body said nope. This is happening now. I got out of bed and the contractions started intensifying. Mum and I played a few games of backgammon and put on Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries. I used to wall to help me through the contractions. All of a sudden, I was crying through one and knew this was happening. As in: birth was imminent.

That pain is something I could never have imagined. I wanted a natural birth; I was getting one. I wasn’t sure I could have done anything to prepare me for what a contraction, a true contraction, really felt like. I used the birthing ball, the wall, the bed, the birthing ball on the bed. I wound up in the bed, as my feet were starting to ache.

At 9 cm and “we’re going to have you start pushing,” my mom, crying over seeing me in pain as I said over and over that I didn’t know what to do, I needed it to stop, told me that I could say the safe word and get an epidural. I said it, “Pineapple.”

I had the best nurse ever. We’d had the conversation earlier and she went right to it, telling me that I could do it, it’s not going to help much at this point, and baby is coming.

And that’s the thing – I remembered reading things and seeing stories about when the woman is ready to give up, the baby is ready to come.

My doc got set up and offered fentanyl to take the edge off and I, admittedly, jumped at it. I screamed through the pain and my doctor told me, in her calm, cool tone, that I needed to not scream, I was putting my energy in the wrong place. Then she said, “That pain you’re feeling right now? You need to not be afraid of it.” And I was, I had been absolutely terrified of it.

At 11:43am on March 23rd, 2020, Little Man entered the world and won my heart.
He has severe bilateral clubfoot, a head full of curly brown hair, and the sweetest little face I’ve ever seen in my life.

I had a 2nd degree tear and the pride of doing it almost completely natural. The recovery was rough, and I was unfortunately unable to breastfeed beyond a couple days as my supply just never came in.

But, my God, I am so in love with my Little Man.

27 weeks, 4 days

Good morning, everyone!

So, I realized that I had written up a 19 week update, and never posted it. Terribly sorry about that! The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of activity. I can hardly believe that this upcoming Sunday is the start of my third trimester!

As such, so many things are happening. I have something going on every weekend in January, except the last, but that last week has me with appointments and dog care and, oof. Just a lot.

My last specialist appointment (yes, I am seeing a specialist, but it is a different one than before, much MUCH nicer), he said that he doesn’t think I’ll have to do any insulin.

However, at the appointment at the beginning of December, I did get some news. It looks like my beautiful baby boy has bilateral club foot. This may be why I didn’t update, as the news hit me sideways and was difficult for me to handle. So much is going to be different, and yet nothing will be. From everything I’ve researched, it will be completely treated and healed by age 5, and in that time frame, he won’t miss any of his milestones, even through casting for 4-6 weeks and full time bar and boots wearing for three months minimum.

It’s the small things that worry me, though. But my sister in law has been amazingly helpful – she has found so many resources for me. There’s a website that has so many tips and tricks and how to take care of what should be normal.

Then, the ex. I finally cut off communication with the ex a couple months ago, when his commentary became nothing but gaslighting and guilting. He was trying to manipulate me, suddenly making my pain into his, and making me the villain. He even spread blatant lies about myself and my mother! So I just ended it and blocked him. He then announced on Facebook that he was going to commit suicide. It took a lot not to open back up to him, but looking at my blood sugars during that time proves I did the right thing. It took a lot to stop feeling guilty, but he had friends get to him and he is fine. He reached out again last week and wanted to open up communication again, saying he finally understands why I broke up with him, and that he had really been looking forward to being a dad. I appreciated the sentiment, but there was just a bit too much guilt, and having seen what he’d been pulling on my other friends left me knowing that opening up communication is not the right move. So I told him to come to the game we play, and I would just avoid him, and that I would not be unblocking him.

He then asked if he could email me. I said no, that I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for it.

The panic I felt when he asked that, knowing how difficult it is for me to say no…I knew I made the right decision. I have been relieved since then, for the most part.

I know we’ll still travel in the same circles, I know we’ll see each other, but I honestly am happier since leaving him. And this baby, hard as I worked for him, is so much of a blessing that I cannot be sad.

On to the family! It’s no secret that my dad’s family are comprised of not my most favorite people. I have always felt judged when I see them, so I knew, going into family Christmas pregnant and single would garner a few comments. I had announced on Facebook, and my dad, aunt, and cousin knew, so I assumed the news would have spread.

It didn’t. They had told no one. Here I am, 6 months pregnant, and having to go through the choice I made and journey I’m taking on my own, watching the judgment slide across their faces. It was a strange sort of humiliation and anger. Then the question, “is that a family name?” Oh, come on. You have been part of this family longer than me, you know my Celtic name for my baby is not a family name. That was just another way to include your disapproval. My brother’s words finally hit me where they needed to, and I am not going back to my dad’s family Christmas. I don’t need their negativity, and I certainly don’t need them hurting my son the way they hurt my brother and I growing up.

Which takes me to my next point. My dad’s cousin, who I see maybe once per year, at the aforementioned Christmas, has decided she wants to hold me a baby shower. I was baffled for a few moments, and wanted to say no because of the shower my mom, friend, and sister in law are holding for me. But then…what if they come to this one, and then NOT my lovely shower? Get the stress done with so I can truly enjoy myself. I’ll still invite them; I need to be kind and proper.

So, this next Sunday is my first of three (maybe four) baby showers. This one is going to be hard, and I can feel how my mood is already changed as I get ready for it. I’m crankier, shorter with my responses. I just need to get through and relax. I can do this, and I’ve got two more amazingly fun showers to look forward to – one, my chosen family, two, my wonderful LARP friends, and possibly a third at work.

Wish me luck.

14 week Update!

It has been so long since I’ve updated you, world! I’m so sorry, things have just gotten so crazy since my last.

First, I did a NIPT (Non Invasive Prenatal Testing) test to tell me if baby would have any chromosomal abnormalities (like Down’s, Turner’s, etc.). They all came back negative, which means baby has a very low risk (1 in 10,000)!

It also told me baby’s gender, which I wasn’t allowed to know until last Saturday even though the tests came back last Monday. In the middle of that, I got to have my three hour glucose test for Gestational Diabetes since I failed my one hour.

I failed that one, too, so I got to see a Specialist and a Dietitian.

But then Saturday! Guess what, all! It’s a BOY!

The Specialist was first and it was…awful. He was really demeaning and sounded like he was kind of tired of this process and hopeless. He said that I was probably diabetic and not diagnosed (my numbers have always been fine, I get them checked every six months), he made a c-section sound inevitable, and he also said he will likely take me up to 4 weeks early. To name a few choice morsels. He kept saying “someone like you” about ten times, and it was always in a “you should expect this” kind of tone.

I went out to the car with mum (thank goodness she was with me), and bawled. This was all after I got to see an ultrasound of my baby boy. So all that wonderful good feeling he eked away.

Oh, but he was moving. The baby was moving so much! He lifted his chin like “hey, ‘sup” and waved his long arms and omg he was beautiful. I am so so so in love with him, which is so surreal.

Since I was feeling so crappy after seeing the Specialist (who I will not be seeing again. I will definitely be moving to someone else.), mum and I went to Target and added some boy clothes to the registry, then to WalMart and wound up picking up some absolutely adorable outfits. I’m still in shock that I’m going to be a boy mom. It’s surreal – I was expecting to have a girl mostly because everyone else has been having boys! I was expecting to be disappointed, but I’m really not, which is a relief. I’m just so happy he’s doing well.

I just have to watch what I eat for us.

The Dietitian I saw was the polar opposite of the Specialist. She was amazing, and really understanding. She got me the meter I need to track my blood sugar and just sat down and gave me a good game plan that I’m trying hard to follow. My blood sugar is mostly nice and low. After lunch was the worst, but I have a feeling that was because of my Star Crunch that I had as a dessert. Apparently, I’m not allowed sweets which really sucks.

So that’s the big baby update! I hope you’re doing well out there, and I hope you have a great weekend! My energy is back in full force and this weekend I head down to the Renaissance Faire to hang out with my LARP friends. ❤ Taking full advantage!

8 Week Pregnancy Update

Hello, everyone!

I had my 8 week checkup at the Doctor on Monday, and got some pictures of baby! We went over a lot of information, but I couldn’t think of any questions to ask. I’ve given myself a lot of resources – What to Expect When You’re Expecting, a birth month group on Facebook, and four different apps on my phone. Plus, my symptoms are mostly along the lines of this weird wooziness and very mild nausea. The best way I can explain it is it feels like being on the edge of drunk. The world just moves by too fast and I grow increasingly uncomfortable with it. I had to skip my adventure group this last weekend because I didn’t trust myself to drive that far.

And the thing about it, too, is that it’s not just driving, it’s being IN a moving vehicle. I keep being offered rides, but it’s like, no, I want to go, but I just can’t be in a car for more than like 15 minutes at a time.

This weekend will be interesting. I’ve got a tabletop game with the ex, and he is not a fan of my canceling. But it’s an hour drive up there, and they’re up until 2am each time. That’s just a mess of a plan for me. I want to see if they’ll let me remote in, but I doubt it. He keeps offering me a ride – driving from there to get me, then all the way back home. Hmmm, I don’t want to be in a car with him for that long because he’s become borderline mean, and I don’t want to try to explain myself – AGAIN. Wooziness aside.

Anywho – Pumpkin (baby) is happy and healthy! My doctor called it “beautiful,” and that everything looks perfect! ❤ I decided against carrier testing, as the donor I had was negative for everything, and you have to have two positives for it. I will, however, be doing genetic testing. This will test for genetic abnormalities like Down Syndrome and such. Let me be clear: if it’s positive for such things, my love for my baby will not change, but it will allow me to better prepare for specific needs they may have.

I’ll also get to know my Pumpkin’s gender. 😀

Sending you all the love in the world!

Seven Weeks! Pregnancy Update

Hello!

I’m sorry it’s been so long. The last few weeks have been really interesting and busy.

First and foremost: I’m still pregnant! I have my first appointment and ultrasound this next Monday. It will be the first time I get to see Pumpkin, and I’m ecstatic and nervous.

I have underestimated pregnancy. I assumed it would be in waves, but no, the exhaustion is constant, the wooziness (as I’m calling it, since I’m not quite dizzy) is from about midday to evening (och, yeah…that does last that long), the boobs to hurt in waves (but that also depends on my bra), et cetera. I cramp every so often, but it’s not really painful and not intense. I had a teensy bit of spotting at one point that I probably wouldn’t have noticed at all if I weren’t meticulous about checking for it (still waiting for that period that gets to stay away for 7 more months).

No morning sickness yet, and I know I’m blessed in that. I have told pretty much everyone.

Right now, I’m a little upset as I believe I have to miss my favorite activity of LARPing this weekend. I drive about three and a half hours to be at these events, but the wooziness makes it really difficult to even be in a moving car, let alone drive one. There’s so much planned this weekend, too, and I miss it all. My house is going through some trying times, and I’m the local leader, so I have to miss that and leave it to someone I really don’t trust.

BUT, baby will be worth it. I can’t even tell you how excited I am to be a mommy!

A Funny Thing Happened…

I went in for my vaginal ultrasound, and they could actually see the ruptured follicle. So, because of this (and the fact that I swear to God I felt myself ovulate), they decided to go ahead and move forward with the insemination.

Two days and two inseminations later, I’m once more in the waiting game.

It’s such a relief. I honestly thought I had messed up this cycle. So according to some things I’ve read, 80% of women become pregnant within 3 tries of IUI. I keep hearing “third time’s the charm.” I hope, hope, hope that’s true. I want this baby, I know I’m called to be a mother.

On to the Boy

Mr. Adorkable and I met up on Friday to actually have the post break-up conversation. It went really well, and we came to the conclusion that we want to try and work on it. Nothing is official, but my heart is definitely telling me that I want him back. I had a moment where I was looking at screenshots I’d taken of our conversation when we broke up, and it was making me panic. So we spoke about it and worked through – and it was hard not to miss him more. I just want him here.

I’m trying to slowly get my mom used to the idea that I won’t be living with her forever, and it’s not going the greatest. Mostly I feel guilty, and she’s using that to her advantage.

But I don’t want to concentrate on that. I am instead concentrating on the fact that I am Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise.

And that is amazing. I can’t believe I got to this point. And I hope hope hope it worked this time.

Try Number 2

Yesterday I had my first scan this month. It was the weekend so I got the nurse practitioner who was on call. She dug around for ages and was very pessimistic about my chances this month. She ultimately decided to schedule another scan for this morning with the technician and prescribed my first trigger shot.

I was completely heartbroken. She commented on what she thinks are cysts on my cervix and just didn’t sound like I had very good chances at all, a polar opposite from my RE. I took a nap and went to my dad’s for father’s day, just trying not to cry.

Fast forward to this morning and my next ultrasound. The technician found a nice sized follicle on my left ovary, but it wasn’t *quite* there. So she sent it on to my doctor, me on to the waiting room. I was sitting there for a bit – apparently because they were thawing out the donor sperm!

So I started my second set. Because the follicle needs just a bit more, the nurse went ahead and gave me the trigger shot, which I’m not complaining about because this will give me the best chance.

I left feeling completely different from yesterday. I felt optimistic and happy. I know this is my last chance to really do this as I do NOT have another five thousand right now, but stressing about it is not going to do me any favors. I’m back at work now and feeling good! I had some extra discharge when I went to the bathroom, but that could be a few things, so I’m not reading into it.

I should know around the 4th of July. If this is my cycle, I should be able to tell friends & family around Labor Day – my birthday! What a great day that would be for such a happy announcement. ❤

The ex is giving me some drama, hiding things, making comments that aren’t wonderful to my friend who pointed out some shady things he was pulling. It’s not doing him any favors and making me like him less and less. It feels like he’s trying to manipulate me, which I don’t appreciate.

So I’m glad to be rid of the stress and drama! Baby gets to have a stress-free life as long as possible! Now for the waiting game, once more, after my second batch of IUI tomorrow. I picked up “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” just to know. Trying to limit baby purchases, but a woman at work is having her shower tomorrow so it’s difficult!

Wishing you all the best!

End of the First

Hello!

Sorry I haven’t updated since the last – I was doing some serious symptom spotting. Lots of cramping and twinges and my boobs hurt way more than I anticipated.

Alas, it was all for naught, as late last night my period arrived.

I feel a little numb, a little cold. I haven’t cried – there’s nothing lost here except the effort and cycle. But I did get my hopes up. I knew I’d be a little disappointed, so this is not surprising. I’m also frustrated, because this means, if my cycle is similar to last time, that I will miss my Adventure Game. It’s 4 hours away, so I can’t risk going there and it lands right when I should be going through my insemination.

I’m leaving it open, just in case I can go. But if I can’t, then I can’t. I’ll miss my friends (and using my bow & arrows), but I know (and they know) that it will be worth it.

I let the clinic know, and look forward to hearing from them later today.

Sending you love.

It All Started with Goodbye

I got some good news last week! I ovulated, just as was planned, so I’m cleared to do my first IUI this cycle. So it’s entirely possible that a week from now, I’ll be pregnant. That whole concept is a little mind blowing and hard to believe right now.

I finished up my last dose of Clomid last night, so one more day of blurry/funny vision and I should be good to go. Thank goodness I’m done with my period – it was the heaviest, most painful period I have ever experienced. Which is par for the course based on what I’ve read about the scan I had last month (hysterosalpingogram). Some women wind up going to the ER to get the bleeding to stop – I’m no stranger to heavy periods, so that worked out to my benefit.

My breasts still ache at random, though, which I know won’t go away in the best case. I suppose I can deal with that – but I certainly look forward to not bleeding for a year or so.

They wanted to schedule my scan & IUI for this upcoming Sunday, but I pointed out that I ovulate an average of 4 days after they anticipate, so perhaps that’s too soon. I’m assuming they agreed, as they told me to wait until I get a positive OPK (since I didn’t get one last time, we’ll see how that goes…oi).

But I laid down over a thousand dollars last week to buy the sperm. Shopping online has never been quite so interesting! But I got it narrowed down and it is here.

Onto the boy…

I’m not the strongest person in the world, especially when faced with the possibility of hurting someone else. And I have been just ripping myself apart after hurting Mr. Adorkable like I did. But I seek counsel with so many people, I’ve got all these voices in my head so that I can’t hear my own.

But I lied to myself, saying that I didn’t love him. I think I missed him so much that I had to break up in order to do what I felt was right.

One area I feel very strongly, though, is that he is a friend. One of my dearest friends, and if he needs help, I can be there. After talking things over with a mutual friend, ex-military, he pointed out that Mr. Adorkable is exhibiting signs of PTSD. His hygiene, his disappearing acts – it’s all PTSD. So I’ve determined that I’m going to help him through it. Yes, I’m considering getting back together with him, but it needs to be when we’re both healthy enough.

So when he told me he was going to get a new car, I offered to go with him, as I know his anxiety has stopped him from getting one in the past.

I managed to keep my distance at first, I did. I didn’t reach for his hand, I managed to not cry, I didn’t do anything out of the ordinary.

And then he put his arm around me. We just leaned on each other for a while, waiting. I forgot how safe that made me feel, how warm he was, and how we seemed to breathe in unison.

And when his anxiety began spiraling him into worst-case scenarios, I kissed him. It was chaste, but it was me. He calmed back down. And when I left, I let him kiss me again, and again – tip my chin up so he could angle his lips across mine.

It was breathless and beautiful and wonderful. And I missed it so.

We made it clear that it doesn’t mean we’re back together – we have to talk before anything happens. But I find myself daydreaming about being with him, truly with him – engaged, married, etc. So, I’m letting myself hope.

I got home that night, and my mother was angry with me, about choices I had yet to make, about the threat of raising a baby with me being taken away from her. I’m trying not to let it get to me, trying to see past the unfairness of that; my life choices are my own, and it’s mean to make it about her.

That’s where I’m at now. I’m so exhausted, but I’m not distraught anymore, I can concentrate on my baby.

And on Friday, since I have them off, I can go see Mr. Adorkable. No one can stop me and I’m going to live my life and make sure I’m not leaving behind something and someone I truly want.

Scan & Update

(this was written yesterday, Tuesday, April 16th)

So many updates to give, good, bad, and ugly.

I did bloodwork on CD3, and it came back that my TSH (thyroid levels) were low, so I have hypothyroidism. Which is odd since my family has a history of hyperthyroidism. I think I’d prefer what mine is, but we’ll see. It contributes to weight gain, difficulty losing weight, low progesterone levels, fatigue, etc. So I’m now taking a medication called Synthroid, which should help. All it’s helping me with at the moment is a lovely sore throat. That’s a known side affect but it bites.

I also started Clomid on CD3, and took my last dose of that on CD8. Now, starting tomorrow, I’ll be taking my OPKs to target when my body likes to ovulate.

Since I ovulated last month and my progesterone numbers weren’t where we wanted, my doc wanted to do a scan of my uterus to ensure my tubes weren’t blocked. So yesterday I went in and laid on a table next to a big machine.

Enter the TMI section for the rest of this post.

First, they put a catheter into my cervix – which didn’t open up so they used a dialator – a tube that’s small but opens up larger so they can get in what’s needed. Then they blew up a balloon inside my uterus, and injected a contrast up there, as well as something else I missed the name of.  All of this took time, and all of this was insanely painful. I started naming Magic Kingdom rides in my head to distract myself, but when I started repeating Space Mountain and Big Thunder, I started singing Wishes much faster than it needs to be sung. The picture itself was very very quick – it only took like two seconds – good news, my tubes are clear!

But then the bad news. While she was down there, the doc spotted something on my cervix that alarmed her enough to want to do a pap smear and biopsy right away. So I cleaned up what I could and went to her office.

So she went in real quick, snipped off what she needed and I was on my way.

I have never felt so beaten up in my nether regions before. I had to use a hospital pad in my underwear because all that stuff they put up me is leaking out and made me bleed. Then with the biopsy, of course I’m bleeding more. I could barely walk.

I’ve read so much about these scans, about how they’re not comfortable (true, understatement), the contrast makes you ill (false for me), etc. The pain was brief and not unlike cramps, but on an insane scale.

Now I’m dropping these bits and pieces that are like clots but not, still bleeding some…it kind of feels like I put in a tampon wrong.

I won’t find out the results until Thursday for the biopsy. Here’s hoping.

—
Reviewing that, I’m sorry I sound so disconnected. I’m still really uncomfortable, and I just wanted to get it down, not just for you guys, but for myself. I wish I’d known this ahead of time. It was so utterly painful, and my worry is trying to help me disconnect from it now.

No news, I will update when I know more. Wishing you all the best.