It All Started with Goodbye

I got some good news last week! I ovulated, just as was planned, so I’m cleared to do my first IUI this cycle. So it’s entirely possible that a week from now, I’ll be pregnant. That whole concept is a little mind blowing and hard to believe right now.

I finished up my last dose of Clomid last night, so one more day of blurry/funny vision and I should be good to go. Thank goodness I’m done with my period – it was the heaviest, most painful period I have ever experienced. Which is par for the course based on what I’ve read about the scan I had last month (hysterosalpingogram). Some women wind up going to the ER to get the bleeding to stop – I’m no stranger to heavy periods, so that worked out to my benefit.

My breasts still ache at random, though, which I know won’t go away in the best case. I suppose I can deal with that – but I certainly look forward to not bleeding for a year or so.

They wanted to schedule my scan & IUI for this upcoming Sunday, but I pointed out that I ovulate an average of 4 days after they anticipate, so perhaps that’s too soon. I’m assuming they agreed, as they told me to wait until I get a positive OPK (since I didn’t get one last time, we’ll see how that goes…oi).

But I laid down over a thousand dollars last week to buy the sperm. Shopping online has never been quite so interesting! But I got it narrowed down and it is here.

Onto the boy…

I’m not the strongest person in the world, especially when faced with the possibility of hurting someone else. And I have been just ripping myself apart after hurting Mr. Adorkable like I did. But I seek counsel with so many people, I’ve got all these voices in my head so that I can’t hear my own.

But I lied to myself, saying that I didn’t love him. I think I missed him so much that I had to break up in order to do what I felt was right.

One area I feel very strongly, though, is that he is a friend. One of my dearest friends, and if he needs help, I can be there. After talking things over with a mutual friend, ex-military, he pointed out that Mr. Adorkable is exhibiting signs of PTSD. His hygiene, his disappearing acts – it’s all PTSD. So I’ve determined that I’m going to help him through it. Yes, I’m considering getting back together with him, but it needs to be when we’re both healthy enough.

So when he told me he was going to get a new car, I offered to go with him, as I know his anxiety has stopped him from getting one in the past.

I managed to keep my distance at first, I did. I didn’t reach for his hand, I managed to not cry, I didn’t do anything out of the ordinary.

And then he put his arm around me. We just leaned on each other for a while, waiting. I forgot how safe that made me feel, how warm he was, and how we seemed to breathe in unison.

And when his anxiety began spiraling him into worst-case scenarios, I kissed him. It was chaste, but it was me. He calmed back down. And when I left, I let him kiss me again, and again – tip my chin up so he could angle his lips across mine.

It was breathless and beautiful and wonderful. And I missed it so.

We made it clear that it doesn’t mean we’re back together – we have to talk before anything happens. But I find myself daydreaming about being with him, truly with him – engaged, married, etc. So, I’m letting myself hope.

I got home that night, and my mother was angry with me, about choices I had yet to make, about the threat of raising a baby with me being taken away from her. I’m trying not to let it get to me, trying to see past the unfairness of that; my life choices are my own, and it’s mean to make it about her.

That’s where I’m at now. I’m so exhausted, but I’m not distraught anymore, I can concentrate on my baby.

And on Friday, since I have them off, I can go see Mr. Adorkable. No one can stop me and I’m going to live my life and make sure I’m not leaving behind something and someone I truly want.

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Baby Steps

Hey, everyone.

It’s Monday, following the week from hell. I’ll break this post into three parts, for my sanity.

The Dog

One of my pups had a bit of a growth on his hip, and he was acting lethargic and just not himself. The vet initially thought it was just a skin reaction, but we took him in twice because we did not like how he was reacting to it, and it was actually an abscess. The vet said she’s never seen one on a dog – they use sterile needles for every injection. So now, he’s on Anti-inflammatories and Antibiotics. He hates me, as the antibiotics are a liquid (that smells like egg nog) that I have to squirt down his gullet. He fights me every bit of the way. The spot has gone down, but his eyes are really bloodshot and he is still a bit lethargic, though it’s more sleepiness than lethargy, really.

The Boy

I broke up with Mr. Adorkable on Wednesday last week. Things have been building up, for a while, but he went through another quiet area, in which we didn’t speak in person for almost a week, let alone see each other. And he seemed fine with it. Then, he didn’t plan for his move at all – no moving party, no hiring movers, no reserving a uhaul, nothing. So I had to sweep in, organize everything and get it done – all while he’s moving into a tiny tiny murder room of a basement room. Instead of commuting to live with me. It’s awful. But even when he was with me, he would disappear. I think he knew in some way that I was upset because he kept complimenting me until I asked him to stop.

It wasn’t enough for me, and I broke it off. Maybe it was me not making the problems clear, but there is also the hygiene issue – not only is he not clean, but he can’t seem to keep a room clean, either – we had a fight about it once a few years ago, and he responded by doing whatever he could to not have me come over. It wasn’t healthy.

And after I did it, he announced that he’d put a downpayment on a ring. Regardless of whether or not it’s true, it’s cruel. It’s “emotional blackmail” according to a friend of mine. And it’s working because I’m rethinking everything. He also told me he was looking forward to being a dad. So I’m taking away his happy family now, too. I should block him, stop talking to him, but I can’t. Not when we’ve meant so much to each other the last four years.

The Brother

On top of all that, I was called at work and told that my brother is in the ER with extreme pain. Come to find out, he had appendicitis, and had emergency surgery that night. It was resolved quickly, luckily, but it was still scary.

It’s like coming out of the ruins after a storm. Everything looks a little destroyed, but somehow, a little beautiful. I want it to look beautiful – I want more hope, less stress. And I need to concentrate on my baby and I.

I’m not on a timer to make a decision about anything, which I should have realized sooner, and maybe taken him up on a relationship counselor. But the world isn’t ending anytime soon. I can breathe, I can arrange my priorities and see if he’s in them. I think he is, but I’m not sure where, or when.

Wishing you all the best.

Scan & Update

(this was written yesterday, Tuesday, April 16th)

So many updates to give, good, bad, and ugly.

I did bloodwork on CD3, and it came back that my TSH (thyroid levels) were low, so I have hypothyroidism. Which is odd since my family has a history of hyperthyroidism. I think I’d prefer what mine is, but we’ll see. It contributes to weight gain, difficulty losing weight, low progesterone levels, fatigue, etc. So I’m now taking a medication called Synthroid, which should help. All it’s helping me with at the moment is a lovely sore throat. That’s a known side affect but it bites.

I also started Clomid on CD3, and took my last dose of that on CD8. Now, starting tomorrow, I’ll be taking my OPKs to target when my body likes to ovulate.

Since I ovulated last month and my progesterone numbers weren’t where we wanted, my doc wanted to do a scan of my uterus to ensure my tubes weren’t blocked. So yesterday I went in and laid on a table next to a big machine.

Enter the TMI section for the rest of this post.

First, they put a catheter into my cervix – which didn’t open up so they used a dialator – a tube that’s small but opens up larger so they can get in what’s needed. Then they blew up a balloon inside my uterus, and injected a contrast up there, as well as something else I missed the name of.  All of this took time, and all of this was insanely painful. I started naming Magic Kingdom rides in my head to distract myself, but when I started repeating Space Mountain and Big Thunder, I started singing Wishes much faster than it needs to be sung. The picture itself was very very quick – it only took like two seconds – good news, my tubes are clear!

But then the bad news. While she was down there, the doc spotted something on my cervix that alarmed her enough to want to do a pap smear and biopsy right away. So I cleaned up what I could and went to her office.

So she went in real quick, snipped off what she needed and I was on my way.

I have never felt so beaten up in my nether regions before. I had to use a hospital pad in my underwear because all that stuff they put up me is leaking out and made me bleed. Then with the biopsy, of course I’m bleeding more. I could barely walk.

I’ve read so much about these scans, about how they’re not comfortable (true, understatement), the contrast makes you ill (false for me), etc. The pain was brief and not unlike cramps, but on an insane scale.

Now I’m dropping these bits and pieces that are like clots but not, still bleeding some…it kind of feels like I put in a tampon wrong.

I won’t find out the results until Thursday for the biopsy. Here’s hoping.


Reviewing that, I’m sorry I sound so disconnected. I’m still really uncomfortable, and I just wanted to get it down, not just for you guys, but for myself. I wish I’d known this ahead of time. It was so utterly painful, and my worry is trying to help me disconnect from it now.

No news, I will update when I know more. Wishing you all the best.

Ah, THERE you are!

I never thought I’d react to the arrival of my period with such celebration! (she types as she sits there cramping at work on a Monday morning.)

So, I have officially begun Cycle Day 1 (and now 2). This is going to be a test run, as I think I’ve said before, since I ovulated so late last cycle. I called my doc, and she’s out today, so they will let me know tomorrow what the next steps are. Which is weird because I thought I’d be starting Clomid with my period, but they won’t even give you the prescription til you call. So. It’s like…what?

I wish I had more information. I feel like I’ve researched everything to within an inch of its life, but I still am going in completely blind.

I have other things to concentrate on, too, at least. I need to lose some weight, and I’ve been given a little extra time to do it. I’ve let my fears and concerns stress me out too much since my consultation, and I can’t do that again – I think that’s why I ovulated late & started my period late.

So, back to exercise everyday, limit my carbs, and do some Yoga before bed every night. But maybe not the Yoga I did before because…I cramped a muscle and I can’t pretzel the way they want me to. My belly is in the way! LoL That was fun, curled into a ball while they’re talking all calm as I try to rub out the knot. Oh my goodness.

I’m also kind of glad it didn’t work out for this month, because I have a game at the end of the month, and I would have been so paranoid, right in the middle of my Two Week Wait. It’s very active and my character wears a corset and I haven’t come up with an alternative yet. So I’m glad I get one more three day event before I have to worry.

🙂 I wish you all the very best!

Updates

So, while I haven’t kept track here, I have kept track elsewhere, mostly because I didn’t want to get my hopes up. But as I set out on this journey, I thought it might inspire someone else, so I wanted to give you an update.

 

Tuesday, March 12th, 2019

I am less than one week away from my consultation appointment at a fertility clinic here in town, and I am running in blind. I’m researching and listening to podcasts and reading stories and doing whatever I can do be as educated as possible before I step into that appointment.

I’m 31 years old. When I was 19, I made a promise to myself. After going through high school with no boyfriends to speak of, and then into my adult years with minimal boys to speak of, I knew one thing above all else: I was called to be a mother. I was called to carry a baby and see it grow. So, if no boys were around by the time I was 30, I would give myself a baby as a birthday present.

It’s a little late, yes, but I did have a prospect: my boyfriend Mr. Adorkable. But he wasn’t able to give me a baby, both because of his anxiety medication and his own conscience. With a history of being bipolar, depressed, and with high anxiety, he felt that passing on those genes to a child would be unfair. Plus, this was my dream. While he was great with children, neither of us knew how he would do being a father, since neither of us had great examples of what one should be like.

Mr. Adorkable and I weren’t always so ready to move forward with this, though. I didn’t know why he didn’t want kids, I felt like we couldn’t communicate. When he asked for a break spring last year, I was done waiting. I broke up with him, and cited wanting kids as one of my primary reasons – I was ready to start a family, and he, it seemed, was not.

The split didn’t last long, but it was healthy for us, as it opened up a lot of communication – he wanted to be a daddy, but not a father, which was a differentiation I understood all too well. So we agreed.

Which leads me to the appointment: I am going in to get started on the process of IUI, Intrauterine Insemination.

 

Monday, March 18th, 2019

My first appointment went well – it wasn’t quite what I was anticipating. There was no exam, just a series of questions and answers, mostly concerning my cycle, when I have my period and whether or not I ovulate. Due to the egg white cervical mucus,  I do, which I let her know, but to ensure they know when, I have some blood work I have to do.

If everything turns out normal, I should be good to go for IUI my next cycle in April. I’m going to also be tested for my CMV status, which is important as if I’m negative, I need to have a negative donor, but my favorite donor is positive. Since I had chicken pox, I’m likely positive, but we’ll see.

I didn’t react to the appointment like I thought I would. I was quiet and nervous – I still am. I feel blank, like I know I should be excited, but I’m not for some reason. Looking back, I think I am, but I’m also terrified. A lot can go wrong.

But a lot can go very, very right.

 

Thursday, March 28th, 2019

I had my blood work done on Monday, and I got the call on Tuesday – I hadn’t ovulated. This wasn’t entirely surprising, as my cervical mucus didn’t become egg white-like until the Saturday before. But, to make sure I’m ovulating the way they want me to, they’d like to wait for the IUI until May.

While I’m disappointed, I know it’s the most logical choice. I’ll be going on Clomid and they’ll likely get me on a trigger shot as well. And I’ll still have some blood work done again on this Saturday to see if I am ovulating, just later than anticipated.

If I’m not, I have no idea what I’ll do. Is my body deceiving me? Am I bleeding every freaking month for no reason? Please let it be for a reason. Please.

 

Monday, April 1st, 2019

I OVULATED, I OVULATED!

I never thought I’d be so happy for that! I got my results from my second bloodwork to test for Progesterone, and it came back at a 6.5. It’s not the 10-12 they prefer to see, which may mean that I just haven’t peaked yet. But I got a positive result which is amazing news. I was terrified for no reason.

So, we are still going to wait until May, as my doctor would like to pinpoint my cycle, I believe. So I’m going to call on Cycle Day 1 (first day of my period,) get blood work on Cycle Day 3, get a scan, and start in on the Clomid. I’m already taking Metformin, and I’ve heard many success stories between Clomid and Metformin, so that’s promising.

A problem I’m running into is that I know I need to be losing weight and getting healthy to carry the baby, as right now, my doctor would consider me a high risk pregnancy due to my BMI. 😦 I’m super sad about that, but my body is telling me I’m ready. She confirmed that.

Low carb again? Ughh. I’m so tired of low carb. It’s just so bland. *sigh* I need to bite the bullet, I know I do.

And I bought ice cream last night. Heh. :p

Where is Happiness?

I know, I know, I’ve been horrible. It’s been well over a year since I wrote, but that’s because this blog was for change. And in that time, very little has changed.

I hit my thirtieth birthday last year, and it hit me hard. I could barely cope for the next couple months, just because I was so far away from where I’d planned to be. On top of that, my youngest cousin announced her engagement, leaving me, the romantic in the family, still without a family of my own. Mr. Adorkable seemed happy to keep things as they were, and still is.

Speaking of, that is probably why I am writing. I’m in so much pain I can barely breathe, but I have to keep a poker face up, because we are “on a break for a few weeks.” Let me back up a bit.

Mum and I refinanced the house and our debt, cutting our payments in half, leaving me enough of an income aside to consider pushing up the timeframe of Mr. Adorkable and myself to get a place together early next year. Whether to buy a house or rent an apartment was kind of the question, as they both require pretty significant financial pieces to the puzzle, one larger than the other. So I ask.

Apparently, I ask too often. I didn’t think this was possible, considering I try not to. But I had asked him to try to start cleaning up more (as he is considerably messy) so we would be able to stand living together, and the next day he started spiraling into a deep depression.

I feel as though we are done. I adore change, I thrive in it, and he just doesn’t. But we have been stagnant for so long that I feel as if I am suffocating. And I promised myself that if I had no prospects at thirty that becoming a single mother by choice would be a birthday gift to myself. That being placed on hold and placed on the schedule of someone who is happy with the status quo is what hurts the most, I think. There are no promises made, and nowhere is that possibility in sight. I honestly don’t think he wants kids, but won’t say whether or not that’s true because he’s afraid of losing me.

But now, he went to the hospital and I was told by a third-party, a mutual friend who scoffed at the “sabbatical” Mr. Adorkable is taking from the relationship (literally his words).

I just don’t think I can do this anymore. It’s a roller coaster in the worst way possible, where we end on the same spot we started and it all starts over again.

I don’t want to make any rash decisions, though, as there are two people in this relationship, and I’ve hit this point more than once. So I’m tracking my thoughts, and if they still ring true when he comes back down, I’ll have to stick to my guns.

Until then, I’m starting to take steps for myself. I’ve priced a fertility clinic here in town, and if things keep on this trajectory, then I’ll start trying for a baby next February.

Where I’m at right now, that’s what I want to have happen next. I’m immeasurably sad for what I’ll be losing, as I do love him dearly, but I can’t do this anymore. Nothing has changed, and I need change.

-S

New Year, New…

Okay, so it’s been a while. A long while. I can’t tell you when my last post was, as I didn’t bother to look before starting this one.

Life has been…hectic. But not. It’s complicated, as life tends to be.

Mr. Adorkable and I are still together, but I’m beginning to question things. We had a simply wonderful, perfect weekend together for Thanksgiving, but Christmas couldn’t have been more opposite. It was good, him meeting my extended family, being at my Dad’s. But he got me…care bears. He got me a Grumpy Bear CareBear (that represents him), and a TenderHeart CareBear (me). Yes, this is aside from the tickets to a show I am simply dying to see…but I’m 29. I’m trying to see it differently, but the Christmas light is waning and I’m found wanting. He’s snapping at me more. I told him I was taking a break-ish from Facebook as I spend far too much time on there – I’ve moved it from the main page of my phone to three pages over so I have to work to get there. It’s been working so far, I’ve cut my time easily in half and even picked up a book today (! it’s been too long). But he dismissed this change with almost disgust “that’s not really a break.” Maybe he felt attacked? I don’t know. I’m not comfortable anymore, and I’m wondering if it’s just a phase or if it’s just him coming through more.

We’ve been very “on” lately, maybe it’s just our time to be “off” a little. We talk about how I plan and then discard the plan at the opportunity for sponteneity and he scoffed at this as well, stating that it is something we’ll have to talk about if we were to go on any trips. I felt a little like a child being placed in a corner. But he’s starting a new job, and he’s tense around Christmas – am I giving him excuses or are they the genuine reasons for his attitude? Cleaning up after him has become a chore of sorts, one I don’t even remotely enjoy. I don’t make messes because I don’t enjoy cleaning messes…he makes them and doesn’t bother to clean them.

I’m annoyed, which makes me nag, which makes me feel old and used and ashamed.

And then there’s the loss of a friend, a dear and beloved sister. We had a fight, and rather than attempting to reach out to me and take care of it, I found that, after 13 years of friendship, she deleted me from Facebook. Which is a bitter burn as it’s something she doesn’t even like anyway. That’s how I found out we were no longer friends.

But, it is a New Year. Regardless of where he is at, I must move forward with myself, what I want and desire and love to do. The friends I have made since moving home have been so dear to me, and I feel insanely lucky. They are completely different, varying, yet so good. I can’t even describe just how good they are, in their hearts and minds, and I know they’ll be with me in this new phase.

So, first things first: I’m thinking of doing a career change. I love the people I work with, but I’m increasingly dissatisfied with where I am in life, and that is the unfortunate truth – even after a change in department and a promotion. Writing is always my number one goal, and I plan on writing at least a thousand words a day in hopes of having a publisher-ready draft by May. But work is mentally exhausting and disheartening. So, I have a couple options.

Photography is something I’ve always wanted to pursue, but I’ve never had the opportunity to really jump into it, and the equipment is a lot. If I were to manage it, though, I know I’d be able to do it well, mostly by discounted billing. So many of my friends are getting married and having kids and the cost of a photographer is crippling. If I could do it, for a price point that is not outside the realm of reason for either of us, it would be win-win-win all around. The equipment is the problem, as the classes at the local Community College is actually fairly reasonable.

Travel is yet another passion, however. Mum and I went to Disney World again in September, and it allayed my penchant for it for a few months, but it is fully renewed now, especially after I helped a coworker plan his own vacation there. If I could figure out how to be a licensed Disney Travel Agent, I feel confident I would do extremely well. So that is something I’m researching as well.

Another thing that is making me reconsider a few things is that I am now 29 – a year off from my SMBC caveat, and no further than I was a year ago. Mr. Adorkable should be included in this conversation now, I think, but I don’t think he’s ready for it, nor am I certain that he ever will be.

Until decisions are made, or able to be made, I am working on myself. I feel insanely good about myself, in terms of personality and how content I am to be me. Now is the time I can take to get healthy and make further steps in being sure that I am content with myself for as long as possible. So, I am going low-carb – not as a diet, but as a life-change. Due to my PCOS, I have what is called insulin-resistance. As a result, the only diet that really works for me is low-carb, and it works very well. I’ve done it twice successfully in the past, losing 30 pounds each time. But it cannot be temporary – it has to be a permanent decision if I really want to avoid being diagnosed with Diabetes, which is thick in my family bloodlines.

Something else I will do is hike. A few of my girlfriends like hiking, and we’ve sworn to do so for years, but have yet to. One of them, Lovely L, has stated that she would be happy to be my partner in a backpacking adventure across Europe. I can’t even tell you how much I want this to become a reality. Three more years on that loan and we will make these a reality. Until then, there are a lot of trails around that we can have little journeys on.

There is a lot to consider, and as I drink my last cup of coffee for the next year (due to the creamer, not the coffee itself), I know, if I can stay strong and as confident as I find myself now, this time next year will boast many more adventures to tell.

Love you all,

-S

Breathe Me In

I’m beginning to wonder if Mr. Adorkable has somehow found my blog, figured out it’s me and has started stalking it. No, that’s doubtful, because I think he’d be a bit faster to pick it up.

So…update. Since my last post, I have gotten cleared for overtime – so I’ve moved to ten hour days and working around five hours each weekend day. I took off this last week because that is just plain exhausting.

The weekend following April first, the boy was still unresponsive, disappointing me and putting off our time together. He let me know he wouldn’t be coming down as we’d planned, and I was very blunt, admitting that is precisely what I’d anticipated and that I was disappointed.

Minutes later, he messaged my mother and told her that it was a prank, an April Fools’ joke, and what kind of flowers I would want.

Yeah, he knew he’d messed up. He had no intention of coming down until I told him he wouldn’t want me for company. He did show up and I was very plain with him about how I’d been feeling, and we got better. Not great, but better.

This last weekend was my mother’s birthday – a party I’ve been planning for the better part of three months. My sister-in-law helped me pull it off – we did a mystery afternoon tea. It was great, aside from a few small disappointments. My aunt didn’t show up, a couple of my mom’s friends didn’t come. But one who did not disappoint me was Mr. Adorkable.

In fact, he was perfect. He dressed up, got really into the game, and it turned out being simply amazing. My mother’s cousin came, and they talked like there was no tomorrow – that was good, as it seemed Mr. Adorkable and I could barely keep our hands off each other.

It was as if something clicked between the two of us. We had this moment this weekend where we both just stopped, locked eyes, and literally nothing had to be said. It sounds super cheesy, but it was saying “I love you” without the words – a sharing of hearts that I have never experienced before.

I didn’t want him to go. It was so hard to say goodbye, I didn’t walk him out because it was too difficult to watch him drive away. It’s like we’ve been in these choppy waters the last couple months – good upticks, but generally it’s been kind of rough. But suddenly, in that moment, we crested a wave and now it’s calm, smooth. Not easy – every relationship needs work. I’ve fought with my best friend, and without those moments, we wouldn’t be half so strong.

And honestly, I think that’s how this will be. We’re getting stronger, but we’re having to fight just a little harder. He gets it now, how much that I need him. It’s a different kind of need, though – it’s the maintenance kind of need. The kind that means, if he doesn’t come to me, we might lose this.

And neither of us want to.

Done Waiting

Okay, so, having figured out about myself that I’m unhappy when I’m stagnant, I’m saying screw it and planning something.

A trip to Disney World! Because I’m me. :p

My mother and I miss it, and really, the only thing stopping us from going *RIGHT NOW* is money. So, I’m picking up some freelance editing jobs, and [hopefully] getting some overtime in soon. My company is behind in my department, so you’d think they’d let me do some, but because I’m so recently out of training, they’re refusing. So…I’m hanging out, doing my blog when I ought to be working… (no, I’m on break, I swear!)

Not much has changed, unfortunately. I’m still very stagnant with the boy, and I feel like it’s just gone stale. Which happens with relationships, I know. We’re just shy of our one year anniversary, and I am going back to imagining my life as a single mother by choice and not having to field the ever-present threat of a zombie-themed wedding (yes, that’s his thing). I want a man who will dance with me on Main Street, can’t wait to get back to me, be active with me, do things rather than just sit and stare at youtube videos and settle.

Oh, yeah. I was at work, feeling particularly hyper (after coming out of a stage of despondency) and I sent him a gif of being in the waves of a tropical beach: This is what I’d rather be doing. His response? A gif of a guy laying on a couch in a dimly-lit room with the TV light reflecting off of him, mouth open and drooling in utter inactivity.

I literally said: Psh. Why watch an adventure when you can have an adventure?

I got no response. Another fundamental flaw in our relationship. I’m convinced he loves the idea of me [see: girlfriend] rather than who I am. I’m ready to move forward, and Mr. Unwilling-to-Change isn’t.

Is it time to move on? I think so. But last time I felt this way and tried to break it off, he talked me out of it. So now that’s hanging over my head and I don’t know what to do. So right now, I’m just letting it wane. He seems unmotivated to come visit me, so I just let it slide because I’m not sure I care anymore.

Ugh, I sound like a horrible person, but I don’t want to live in the shadows. I want to live and experience and taste and breathe.

That’s who I am, and that’s what I deserve. It’s about time I admit that to myself.

 

Wishing you all the best!

-Sarra