Ah, THERE you are!

I never thought I’d react to the arrival of my period with such celebration! (she types as she sits there cramping at work on a Monday morning.)

So, I have officially begun Cycle Day 1 (and now 2). This is going to be a test run, as I think I’ve said before, since I ovulated so late last cycle. I called my doc, and she’s out today, so they will let me know tomorrow what the next steps are. Which is weird because I thought I’d be starting Clomid with my period, but they won’t even give you the prescription til you call. So. It’s like…what?

I wish I had more information. I feel like I’ve researched everything to within an inch of its life, but I still am going in completely blind.

I have other things to concentrate on, too, at least. I need to lose some weight, and I’ve been given a little extra time to do it. I’ve let my fears and concerns stress me out too much since my consultation, and I can’t do that again – I think that’s why I ovulated late & started my period late.

So, back to exercise everyday, limit my carbs, and do some Yoga before bed every night. But maybe not the Yoga I did before because…I cramped a muscle and I can’t pretzel the way they want me to. My belly is in the way! LoL That was fun, curled into a ball while they’re talking all calm as I try to rub out the knot. Oh my goodness.

I’m also kind of glad it didn’t work out for this month, because I have a game at the end of the month, and I would have been so paranoid, right in the middle of my Two Week Wait. It’s very active and my character wears a corset and I haven’t come up with an alternative yet. So I’m glad I get one more three day event before I have to worry.

🙂 I wish you all the very best!

Updates

So, while I haven’t kept track here, I have kept track elsewhere, mostly because I didn’t want to get my hopes up. But as I set out on this journey, I thought it might inspire someone else, so I wanted to give you an update.

 

Tuesday, March 12th, 2019

I am less than one week away from my consultation appointment at a fertility clinic here in town, and I am running in blind. I’m researching and listening to podcasts and reading stories and doing whatever I can do be as educated as possible before I step into that appointment.

I’m 31 years old. When I was 19, I made a promise to myself. After going through high school with no boyfriends to speak of, and then into my adult years with minimal boys to speak of, I knew one thing above all else: I was called to be a mother. I was called to carry a baby and see it grow. So, if no boys were around by the time I was 30, I would give myself a baby as a birthday present.

It’s a little late, yes, but I did have a prospect: my boyfriend Mr. Adorkable. But he wasn’t able to give me a baby, both because of his anxiety medication and his own conscience. With a history of being bipolar, depressed, and with high anxiety, he felt that passing on those genes to a child would be unfair. Plus, this was my dream. While he was great with children, neither of us knew how he would do being a father, since neither of us had great examples of what one should be like.

Mr. Adorkable and I weren’t always so ready to move forward with this, though. I didn’t know why he didn’t want kids, I felt like we couldn’t communicate. When he asked for a break spring last year, I was done waiting. I broke up with him, and cited wanting kids as one of my primary reasons – I was ready to start a family, and he, it seemed, was not.

The split didn’t last long, but it was healthy for us, as it opened up a lot of communication – he wanted to be a daddy, but not a father, which was a differentiation I understood all too well. So we agreed.

Which leads me to the appointment: I am going in to get started on the process of IUI, Intrauterine Insemination.

 

Monday, March 18th, 2019

My first appointment went well – it wasn’t quite what I was anticipating. There was no exam, just a series of questions and answers, mostly concerning my cycle, when I have my period and whether or not I ovulate. Due to the egg white cervical mucus,  I do, which I let her know, but to ensure they know when, I have some blood work I have to do.

If everything turns out normal, I should be good to go for IUI my next cycle in April. I’m going to also be tested for my CMV status, which is important as if I’m negative, I need to have a negative donor, but my favorite donor is positive. Since I had chicken pox, I’m likely positive, but we’ll see.

I didn’t react to the appointment like I thought I would. I was quiet and nervous – I still am. I feel blank, like I know I should be excited, but I’m not for some reason. Looking back, I think I am, but I’m also terrified. A lot can go wrong.

But a lot can go very, very right.

 

Thursday, March 28th, 2019

I had my blood work done on Monday, and I got the call on Tuesday – I hadn’t ovulated. This wasn’t entirely surprising, as my cervical mucus didn’t become egg white-like until the Saturday before. But, to make sure I’m ovulating the way they want me to, they’d like to wait for the IUI until May.

While I’m disappointed, I know it’s the most logical choice. I’ll be going on Clomid and they’ll likely get me on a trigger shot as well. And I’ll still have some blood work done again on this Saturday to see if I am ovulating, just later than anticipated.

If I’m not, I have no idea what I’ll do. Is my body deceiving me? Am I bleeding every freaking month for no reason? Please let it be for a reason. Please.

 

Monday, April 1st, 2019

I OVULATED, I OVULATED!

I never thought I’d be so happy for that! I got my results from my second bloodwork to test for Progesterone, and it came back at a 6.5. It’s not the 10-12 they prefer to see, which may mean that I just haven’t peaked yet. But I got a positive result which is amazing news. I was terrified for no reason.

So, we are still going to wait until May, as my doctor would like to pinpoint my cycle, I believe. So I’m going to call on Cycle Day 1 (first day of my period,) get blood work on Cycle Day 3, get a scan, and start in on the Clomid. I’m already taking Metformin, and I’ve heard many success stories between Clomid and Metformin, so that’s promising.

A problem I’m running into is that I know I need to be losing weight and getting healthy to carry the baby, as right now, my doctor would consider me a high risk pregnancy due to my BMI. 😦 I’m super sad about that, but my body is telling me I’m ready. She confirmed that.

Low carb again? Ughh. I’m so tired of low carb. It’s just so bland. *sigh* I need to bite the bullet, I know I do.

And I bought ice cream last night. Heh. :p

Where is Happiness?

I know, I know, I’ve been horrible. It’s been well over a year since I wrote, but that’s because this blog was for change. And in that time, very little has changed.

I hit my thirtieth birthday last year, and it hit me hard. I could barely cope for the next couple months, just because I was so far away from where I’d planned to be. On top of that, my youngest cousin announced her engagement, leaving me, the romantic in the family, still without a family of my own. Mr. Adorkable seemed happy to keep things as they were, and still is.

Speaking of, that is probably why I am writing. I’m in so much pain I can barely breathe, but I have to keep a poker face up, because we are “on a break for a few weeks.” Let me back up a bit.

Mum and I refinanced the house and our debt, cutting our payments in half, leaving me enough of an income aside to consider pushing up the timeframe of Mr. Adorkable and myself to get a place together early next year. Whether to buy a house or rent an apartment was kind of the question, as they both require pretty significant financial pieces to the puzzle, one larger than the other. So I ask.

Apparently, I ask too often. I didn’t think this was possible, considering I try not to. But I had asked him to try to start cleaning up more (as he is considerably messy) so we would be able to stand living together, and the next day he started spiraling into a deep depression.

I feel as though we are done. I adore change, I thrive in it, and he just doesn’t. But we have been stagnant for so long that I feel as if I am suffocating. And I promised myself that if I had no prospects at thirty that becoming a single mother by choice would be a birthday gift to myself. That being placed on hold and placed on the schedule of someone who is happy with the status quo is what hurts the most, I think. There are no promises made, and nowhere is that possibility in sight. I honestly don’t think he wants kids, but won’t say whether or not that’s true because he’s afraid of losing me.

But now, he went to the hospital and I was told by a third-party, a mutual friend who scoffed at the “sabbatical” Mr. Adorkable is taking from the relationship (literally his words).

I just don’t think I can do this anymore. It’s a roller coaster in the worst way possible, where we end on the same spot we started and it all starts over again.

I don’t want to make any rash decisions, though, as there are two people in this relationship, and I’ve hit this point more than once. So I’m tracking my thoughts, and if they still ring true when he comes back down, I’ll have to stick to my guns.

Until then, I’m starting to take steps for myself. I’ve priced a fertility clinic here in town, and if things keep on this trajectory, then I’ll start trying for a baby next February.

Where I’m at right now, that’s what I want to have happen next. I’m immeasurably sad for what I’ll be losing, as I do love him dearly, but I can’t do this anymore. Nothing has changed, and I need change.

-S

What is it You Want?

I got some bad news yesterday. Despite a huge amount of people pulling for me, and having much-needed experience…I didn’t get the Leadership position. Luckily, I hadn’t taken my lunch yet, so I was able to remove myself from the work environment for the impending breakdown and so I could work myself through it.

I wasn’t expecting the decline, I really wasn’t. Talking to a couple of the managers, I found out that I was on the short-short list for if another spot opened up. But it didn’t, so here I sit, doing the same damn thing I always have.

So finally the other shoe has dropped. Really, I should have been expecting this. This whole year has been amazing – things have been progressing and changing in fantastic ways. It had to stop somewhere. Glass half full moment: at least it was work and not my romance?

But it makes me rethink: do I want this? In the hazy light of morning, I still believe the answer is yes. Stability would be nice – the busy work, the concentrating on building up others’ work and making sure they are the best they can be is right up my alley. So first, I have to do that for myself.

The part of me that says no is definitely the writer in me. It’s been feeling neglected. I was about to enter a small writing contest, but this girl did not read the submission form well enough, assumed that the deadline was in US time…but it was a UK-based competition. Meaning that by the time I even looked, it was a good three hours too late.

I’m a little lost right now.

-Sarra

The Magic of Positive Thinking

So, as with any life, there’s drama – things happen, feelings get jumbled up with propriety “how things should be,” and it becomes a big whole mess and blown way out of proportion and and and

until suddenly, it’s not.

You finally share your feelings and the climax in which you’ve been basing how you react to everything was completely nonsensical, and, honestly, a little bit of a letdown.

This is also often referred to as “angst.”

As a girl, I have my own share of angst, I admit to it. I care just a little too much sometimes and can’t hide the hurt when things aren’t just so, just precisely how I want them to be.

As a writer, this is a problem. Writers are perfectionists: we’re picky about our work, and we always want revalidation that what we write is worth reading. When we can’t obtain that validation, we throw our hands up in the air, wondering if any of it is worth it.

It is, of course, it just takes some time to see that. And I suppose if I had the funds to have writing be my full time job, I would see that sooner, believe in myself a bit more and be willing to take the chances that, right now, are difficult just to plan due to time constraints.

The novel I’ve been working toward for at least five years is finally coming together and I am terrified. It’s a monster, a beautiful, if stilted, monster – scenes are leaping into my head fully-formed, and then I’ll get nothing, which begs me to do more research until I remind myself that research only bogs me down due to expectations and my fear of not fulfilling them.

And that’s it, isn’t it? As writers, we hold ourselves to a higher standard, one in which where we are the biggest fans of our own work and we, as fans, expect to see certain things out of it, not some half-assed version. The half-assed version is just the first draft, though – with each word typed, each correction made, the novel begins to bloom. And even that first draft is a pretty beautiful bloom.

You, and I, just need to keep believing in ourselves, because despite what others say, that’s the key. If you believe you can write it, then do.

That’s what you need, your own little personal Yoda.

Progress is Progress

The last two weeks have been really annoying for me. Since about mid-December, I’ve had three illnesses, and the most recent one knocked me on my a-double-dollar-sign. I missed a lot of work and I wasn’t up to doing much of anything other than laying in bed and cuddling with my puppy.

I mean, not a bad idea, he’s adorable.

But this week, I’ve been inundated with ideas. A story I’ve been percolating for around five years now has finally decided to come to the forefront of my mind and be written! I wrote around a thousand words exclusively devoted to plot and character development on Sunday, and yesterday I got going in the meeting of my two main protagonists (i.e. main characters).

This is the kind of momentum I need to maintain. I love writing, I love creating things with words – seeing something and knowing just how to describe it to elicit a visceral reaction, the kind of reaction that gives me goosebumps when I read.

Writing to develop something amazing, this is one of my biggest goals this year. I’m a writer, I’ve been a writer since I was twelve years old (admittedly before that, but twelve is when I realized it), and I want the world to know, I want to share magic and influence lives like I have had my favorite authors influence mine. And I want to tell stories. I’ve got some amazing stories, so it’s just a matter of getting them written.

That proves to be the difficult part.

I have a novel written, over 25,000 words of one (a standard novel is roughly 50k long), but I had completed the story in my head and, frankly, devoting THAT much time to one story is exhausting. So I stopped, and I was so disappointed in myself that I couldn’t bring myself to devote time to any other story because – I needed to finish what I’d started. And I will, eventually.

I need to forgive myself for my mistakes and keep moving forward. Progress is Progress and I will have a book out, regardless if it’s this book or another.

And I will make damn sure I have a manuscript to at least an agent before the end of this year, come hell or high water.

Determination, friends. Determination! Rawr!

(Okay, so I’m feeling a bit fierce, LoL)

-Sarra